i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
