can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
