i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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