having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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