You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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