You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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