Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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