OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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