Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i now understand why vodka
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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