Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
