if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
