I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
