It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
