This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
