I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
