woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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