I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
why do cheetos always look like penises
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Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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