i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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