I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
