I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
ttyl tear gas
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
