So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
19 People Confess The Craziest Sex Act They’ve Ever Participated In
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
17 People Admit the Worst Thing They’ve Done To a Server
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird