hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
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I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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