first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
