there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
