Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
