I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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