I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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