where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
