Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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