last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
