I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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