i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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