I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just high enough for therapy.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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