You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
