my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
