oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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