I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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