I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
