I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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