on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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