Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
