i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
