I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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