So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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