my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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