The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
