Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
