I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
