I think im going to throw up on grandma
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
