you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
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It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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