Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
