he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
