I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
