I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
