Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
